WRITING: ‘Moving In’

My past is messy. There’s no two ways about it. I used to worry about being boring – wishing for a more ‘interesting’ tomorrow.

Fuck, if only I could’ve seen what lay ahead.

Now I’ve been through it all and unpacked all the boxes, I can understand it. I’ve officially ‘moved in’, you might say. But something still feels a little off.

See just as I get comfy, thinking I’ve unpacked the lot, I find another box, sealed all those years ago. And I know I’m prepared to handle what the box contains, but sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming; when I remember just how many boxes I’ve been through in my short time here. Most peoples’ are labelled by year, maybe split into a few months. But my boxes are labelled sporadically – some containing several years, and some containing just a few weeks.

It makes me question my current state – how am I still here? Why am I still here? It seems to just be one thing after another, these past few years. Like I’ll never, ever catch a break.

And then there’s times like these, times when I feel the need to back-track and re-evaluate the past year or so. I mean after all, that’s the biggest box in the stack.

I’ve got no idea who I am, or even what I want – and I have absolutely no plans to figure it out. Knowing my luck, any plans I do make are just going to fuck up anyway, so why try to evade the surprise? It’s not pessimism, it’s realism. The rest of my life is just one big surprise, splintered into tiny pieces I stumble upon every day.

Where once I was terrified of my future, I now embrace it. Expectations are not for me anymore. I have no need to prepare, because whatever life throws at me, or whatever box I find, I can handle it and deal with it, all with a smile on my face. I can and I will handle it – with or without you, and that smile is going to be geniune. Why? Because I’m okay.

Shit, I never thought I’d be able to really, truthfully say that. I bet you didn’t either, but now I can. I’m okay.

And I love it.


This piece was written in April 2013, and is an original work of my own. If you have any thoughts on this piece, feel free to comment below. For any other enquiries, please email me at contact@luxelis.com.

WRITING: ‘Lonely’

Sometimes I am lonely. Everyone is now and then, I suppose.
I used to think there was only one kind of lonely – the crippling sense of abandonment and loss, echoing around my skull.

But I have learned that there are different kinds of loneliness.

There is the one I knew so well, of course there is. But more importantly, there are new kinds of lonely I don’t recall ever experiencing.

Suddenly the term takes new shapes according to my day. My loneliness can be contented, melancholic, delirious, confused, nostalgic or cantankerous.

It is wonderful to have an array of emotions contained in one word. Awareness is key to comfort, and alone isn’t so lonely when you can be comfortable with yourself.

That’s not to say I don’t experience the sense of a missing piece, and yearn for a reassuring hug.

But it means that when I am lonely, it’s not the be-all and end-all.

I can see my days stretching out endlessly in front of me, leading me to the horizon line in never-ending hopscotch tiles.

I recognise that my emotions are fleeting, and it is a joy to be capable of experiencing them all in such vivid colours, knowing that they are not enhanced or manufactured, but they are reality. That there is no filter over my heart to edit the emotion I register.

Amazing, how one state of mind can trigger such revelations in one tiny person standing atop a tiny, pea-sized planet at the edge of a dairy-themed galaxy.

Amazing how I can feel so small, so insignificant, and yet so infinitely powerful.

Sometimes I am lonely. But I don’t mind.

After all, you need the blanket of night to truly appreciate the stars.


This piece was written in July 2013, and is an original work of my own. If you have any thoughts on this piece, feel free to comment below. For any other enquiries, please email me at contact@luxelis.com.

Snippets of a City

These photographs were all taken in central Auckland City, either in or around the CBD.

 

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Trunk; Albert Park, 2013

 

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Warming Up; Q Theatre, 2013

 

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Tendrils; Wintergardens, 2015

 

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Illuminatied; Ponsonby Rd, 2012

 

 

 

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Any and all feedback is welcome – for specific feedback or questions, please email contact@luxelis.com.

Before I Die..

Before I Die.. is a community project located on the edges of Hum Salon in Grafton, here in Auckland. Hum is a lovely little place, a community-run social enterprise based in a lovely old villa on the corner of Grafton Bridge, just down from the hospital. They have a wee coffee hut, sofas and a cat, and are slowly building themselves into a hub of friendliness, offering an artistic space for people to meet. If you’ve not been there, you really should – the coffee is wonderful, and so are the people. Anyway, back to the project. What they’ve done at Hum is a simple concept – put up pieces of wood around the perimeter of the cafe, paint them with chalkboard paint and spray-paint the words “Before I die I want to..” followed by a large space. Then offer chalk to anyone who asks for it to tell the world what they want to do before they pass on.

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One night as I was passing Hum, I decided to document the poignant, hilarious, funny and touching notes so many people had written. The vast array of different wishes people had shared was amazing, and I hope others can see in my pictures what I did that night – a wonderful collection of shared hopes and dreams amongst strangers. Whether the hopes of the writers were comical (Before I die I want to.. “have an evening of absinthe with the pope!”) or beautifully innocent (Before I die I want to.. “hug my family”), I enjoyed reading them all and documenting them. I can’t say why, but for whatever reason, that night was magical. Something about walking through a vaguely familiar part of town on a quiet night and drinking in every detail feels wonderful any evening, but stumbling across the very personal plans and hopes of people I haven’t and never will meet – a thing ordinarily hidden – feels so special. So here it is, my mini photo series of what I think is an absolutely ace idea, and something I shall definitely be back to re-document.

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NB: An anonymous commenter has informed me that this brilliant project is the brainchild of New Orleans artist Candy Chang, and this art has been replicated all over the world. Check her out, she’s incredible – disappointed I’d not thought to Google the project before I wrote about it.. duh, Lucie!

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.”

I took this photo en route to a new friend’s dorm room at Victoria University in Wellington. One of my best friends was with me, and we found this and other similar illustrations on the way. The intricate detail on this illustration and the fine, numerous cracks in the wooden lamp-post, along with the stillness of the image, remind me that while the creation of this illustration would have caused chaos (albeit on a miniscule scale!) in some manifestation, the resulting image is something beautiful. Or at least, I think it’s beautiful.
When you think about it, everything is a result of some chaos. In this case, it’s the friction between the vivid’s fibrous tip and the wooden lamp post extracting and staining ink in a formulated design on the wood. For the molecules and tiny atoms involved in that process, it’s gotta be chaos. Well, at least in comparison to the cushy life they’ve become accustomed to living in the ink cartridge of a permanent marker purchased in the Cuba Street Whitcoulls by some hipster from Kelburn.
Good golly; day two and I’m already getting pretentiously meta. Or maybe meta is the wrong word..
Abschied bis morgen, mädchen und jungen.
Lucie